Maybe it’s the heat. Maybe we are getting perilously close to critical mass in the dumbass population. I can’t say as I’m certain about the cause, but there has been a serious uptick in the inappropriate treatment of our fine Southern Belles these days.
I’ve written about it before, but I obviously didn’t get through, so let’s try it again, shall we?
Never, everevereverevereverevereverever underestimate a Southern Belle. Such idiocy could very well be the last thing you ever do.
Thou shalt not tell a Southern Belle that she can’t do something: Disallowing a Belle’s chosen course of action will likely blow up to the extent that you will find yourself on the list of those in need of a face transplant if you dare try. As a matter of fact, you could prohibit a Belle from doing something that she had no intention whatsoever of doing in the first place, but—by your very attempt to exercise some sort of authority over her person—she will make it her mission in life to defy you if it kills her. The following are true examples with names withheld to protect the guilty:
1. As the poor, misguided boy walked along the pier with his girlfriend, he had the nerve to caution his swimming champion, scuba certified and lifeguard trained beloved not to walk too close to the railings so that she wouldn’t “do something stupid and fall in.”
Up to that point in time, “falling in” or otherwise exiting the pier in an unapproved manner hadn’t even occurred to our fair Belle, but the inane admonishment turned on an angry little light bulb in her head. Who in the hell did he think he was? Accordingly, she snatched his keys off of his belt and horse vaulted over the side of the pier. She waived happily from the water at her flabbergasted beau and she met him on the beach with his keys.
2. In another instance, a young lady in her junior year of college attended a very large family function one Christmas many, many, many moons ago. Our Belle harbored the desire to be an attorney since she was a little girl. The aforementioned factoid came out at one point during the party and one of the more senior party guests decided to levy her unwanted opinion.
Now, let me first caveat that our elders are to be treated with courtesy, even when they don’t know what in the hell they’re talking about. So, when one of those elders heard of our Belle’s goal, she said, “You’re not going to law school. You don’t have any business there.” The Belle smiled very politely and held her tongue.
Mind you, our Belle was resolute in her determination to go to law school anyway, but the old crone’s declaration served as a bit of a power boost. As a matter of fact, the Belle only sent out one law school graduation announcement when the time came and I’ll let you guess where she sent it...
Thou shalt not ignore a Southern Belle: Seriously, why don’t you turn your back on a cobra, dumbass? We don’t speak just to hear our own dulcet voices, for God’s sake. We’re often trying to impart information for your own well being, such as “If you drop all of your crap on my freshly cleaned counter top it will be your last act on God’s green earth,” or, “I have yet to see a note from any physician verifying that you are color blind, so the white clothes go in the white laundry basket and the colored clothes go in the colored laundry basket.”
There have been cases of folks being left behind in grocery stores, gas stations, restaurants and parties simply because they failed to put on their listening caps.
Many times we’re trying to be helpful: We know we only like the best and that makes us hard to buy for, so we’ve been known to drop little hints containing birthday, anniversary and Christmas ideas here and there. As a matter of fact gents, let me toss you a freebie: If you walk into a room and there is a catalog such as Ross Simons or Neiman lying open, pay attention. Also, if your toddler not only recognizes the Cartier logo, but knows how to pronounce it—well, there’s a chance the little tyke has been coached.
Thou shalt not contradict a Southern Belle: I’m not going to sit here and tell you that Southern Belles are always right, but we are right an above average amount of the time. We are gracious when we are wrong, but we are tenacious when we are right. We have been known to search for hours on the Internet in order to wake you up at 3:00 AM in order to waive proof of our correctness under your sleepy nose.
One little survival tip with regard to this particular Thou Shalt Not: Regardless of whether or not we are right or wrong, it does not behoove you to correct your Southern Belle in front of other Southern Belles. Do you watch the National Geographic Channel? Have you ever seen the prey circled by the predators as they close in? Picture yourself as the prey.
I suppose the argument could be made that those who refuse to remember these very simple rules are setting themselves up to be culled in some Darwinian capacity á la Survival of the Fittest. As a Democrat and as a criminal defense attorney, I prefer to believe that most (even I can’t commit to “all”) folks are redeemable if given enough direction. Either way, I’ve done the best I can to educate the uninformed.