"Legal" Caterwaulers

Well, my rant about the trailer judges just set me on a roll.

              

Let me first say that I absolutely love a flamboyant attorney.  In the immortal words of Johnnie Cochran, “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit!”  Indeed.

Let’s face it, evidence gets tedious and witnesses talk in monotones.  Juries are human and they get bored.  An attorney almost has to jump around and holler a little bit to wake folks up and get a point across.  Plus—as I’ve said before—theatricality can sometimes be employed to distract from the fact that you have absolutely no case whatsoever. 

That being said, there is a distinct difference between a flamboyant attorney and a media whore with a law degree.    

Oops!  Did I say that out loud?  Dammit, I might just have to take remedial deportment classes.

Here’s the thing:  Flamboyant attorneys actually set foot in a courtroom.  The force of their personalities might drive you completely crazy, but they walk the walk and they talk the talk.  They might lose in the end, but they leave no room for doubt that they gave the case everything they had.  Yes, attorneys are expected to zealously represent their client and the legal loudmouths tend to get it done in spades.

Then there are the attorneys—well...we’re just supposed to take their word for it that they are or were attorneys at some point in time.  They might very well know their way around a courtroom, but who doesn’t these days after relentless airings of The Practice, The Good Wife, L.A. Law, Boston Legal, and a legion of other courtroom dramas?  Every news network keeps several of these McLawyers stocked on the shelf to pull out for statements of the obvious and other general platitudes during tacky and sensational trials.  “Yes, Bill, it was an absolutely jaw-dropping day in the courtroom and we can expect to see the same tomorrow.”

McLawyers are way down on my Love List, but there is another group that not only hit rock bottom, they kept digging when they got there.  Who are these bodaciously atrocious individuals?  To even think their names makes me throw up a little bit in my mouth, but...ew...Nancy Grace and Gloria Allred. 

Not only do these females make me ashamed to be an attorney, they near about make me ashamed to be female.

Nancy Grace.  Sweet baby Jesus...where do I start?  She was allegedly a prosecutor at one nebulous point in time, but what District Attorney was dumbass enough to hire her?  Okay, maybe she interviewed well, but a toxic personality like that couldn’t possibly have stayed hidden for long. 

I can’t imagine sitting on a jury during one of her trials.  I’m afraid that I would have such an aversion to the squawking jackass that I would vote against her rather than the existence or inexistence of reasonable doubt.  Juries are only human and imagine how many criminal defendants may have walked free based on repugnance of Nancy’s venomous presence alone.

I’ve made no secret of my dislike of people interrupting each other and Ms. Grace is one of the worst offenders that I have ever seen.  She tolerates no opinion but her own.  She is perfectly entitled to her own opinion and she has her own television show (for better or for worse) so she can spout her opinion ‘til the cows come home.  Bearing the aforementioned in mind, why in the hell does she bother having anyone else on her show who might have a differing viewpoint if she’s only going to let them get five words into a response before interrupting them with that nasally, glass-shattering, indignant, braying? 

As a matter of fact, it doesn’t even matter if the guest agrees with her, she interrupts them regardless and I feel fairly safe in saying that she is the only one enamored with the tone of her own voice. 

I remember seeing some news clip where it was mentioned that Nancy was married with twins.  Bless their hearts.  I can only imagine what life in that family is like:

            Dad:                Okay guys, time to go to bed.  Pick out a book and I’ll—

Nancy:             EXCUSE ME, BUT WERE YOU NOT LISTENING?  IF YOU REVIEW THE EVIDENCE, IT IS CRYSTAL CLEAR THAT TWIN MOM IS TUCKING THE KIDS IN TONIGHT.

Dad:                But—

Nancy:             I BELIEVE THAT, IF YOU TAKE THE TIME TO LOOK AT THE FACTS, YOU CAN’T COME TO ANY CONCLUSION OTHER THAN I, TWIN MOM, AM SLATED TO READ “CAT IN THE HAT,” THANK YOU FOR PLAYING.

Dad:                I’ll be on the window ledge if you need me.

I know this is catty and I promise that I’ll go to church extra for saying it, but the woman also needs to stop the face lifts.  If she gets pulled back one more time, she’s going to be putting mascara on her ears.

Gloria Allred.  If you run into Scott, ask him what happens to his wife when Gloria Allred comes on the television.  That woman is positively revolting.  I’m not sure that she can pass a camera without sticking her face in the lens.  Where Nancy likes to pontificate when the pretty girls go missing, Gloria likes to jump in when the pretty ho’s get caught. 

Of course, Gloria claims to have a noble purpose for her crusade:  Women’s Rights!  It’s not hard to predict her entrance.  Any salacious news story involving the mistress, the stripper, the hooker or the nebulous “other woman” brings Allred swooping in on her broom.  Ho’s have rights, too, and Gloria’s going to see that she [mostly Gloria] is going to get as much air time as possible for her story to be told [with Gloria doing the telling].

Gloria:             Okay Diane, let’s get moving.  I’ve got more interviews set up with NBC. CBS, CNN, HLN, MSNBC, FOX, WHQR, CSNBC, C-SPAN, OMG, BTW, FYI, ROFLMAO  and ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.

Diane:              Gloria, what can you tell us about your client?

Gloria:             Well, she’s a wonderful person who is a blameless party in this matter, yet she is being exploited.

Diane:              Okay, but your client is a sex worker—

Gloria:             Actually, Diane, we prefer the term “Adult Physical Trainer.”

Diane:              Okay, your client is an adult physical trainer who took photographs of herself performing sex acts with the senator and then sent the photos to his wife in a Christmas card.

                                               

Gloria:             That was after the story already broke in the press as the result of the tabloid taking photos of the senator and my client exiting a hotel room.  My client cannot help that she was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  She deserves vindication and I intend to see that she gets it.  She also deserves the book deal and Playboy photo spread that she contracted this morning.

By the way, “vindication” is called cold, hard cash and it is the only thing that shuts Gloria up and sends her back into her little cave until the next ho comes around. 

Has anyone ever actually seen these women in a courtroom—and I mean past the bar as attorneys, not behind the bar as observers?  Of course, you realize that both of these women will probably try to sue me just for writing this blog if for no other reason than they get more media face time.  When will the lambs stop screaming, Clarice?